"You know you can't help feeling that way, there's no use in denying it,"
I look at her with annoyance. She is lying on the black sofa, feeling at home.
"No one asked for your opinion, so shut it" I retort.
"Of course, no one asked, but that doesn't mean I can't say anything,
right?" She flutters her long eyelashes at me and smile that sickly
sweet smile - her way of saying, "Should I care?"
"Hmffttt.. I am not denying it. Yes, I am angry at them for ignoring me and my son. There!"
She laughs. "Ahhhh.. Then why the stress? Why the on-going struggle inside your head? Why try to justify?"
"I am not justifying anything!" I glare at her.
"You are, my dear. Angie, when you paced that waiting room outside the
OT, what played in your head? You thought it wasn't fair for you to
face this alone. Then you asked yourself 'where's my family? where's my
sisters when i need them the most?' - ignoring the fact that your phone
ran out of battery, that you ran out of coins and you forgot your
sisters' numbers. Then you dwell on it, feeling the anger simmering in
your heart. Then you caught yourself 'this is dreadful!! i cant blame
my sisters for not being here'"
"Damn right!"
"But you still can't let go. no matter how hard you convinced yourself
that this is something you can't control, you still feel a bitter
cocktail of sad and anger. you still feel the outsider inside you. you
still feel it is unfair,"
I turn away from her smiling face, hating her for exposing how I feel.
She, who always know what's in my heart and in my head. Makes me admit
the innermost feeling inside. Makes me come clean with myself.
"Having say that... I cant blame you, and neither you yourself should.
You have every right to feel that way. Your sisters aren't..well.. they
have their reasons, like you always believe.. they aren't as caring as
you would like them to be. They aren't the type that call and conversed
with you. The idea to call you up and ask how you've been and all that
- it's alien to them. Especially after 2000. You are not an outcast,but
you dont belong either. you aren't a freak, but you're not normal
either. Well at least to their standard...."
I close my eyes. She's right. That's how i feel all these time. Especially after Dad passed away.
"Maybe I expect too much from them, maybe I shouldn't ask for anything..."
"They're your family... expectations run like blood in your vein.. They
expect you to be normal like them, to marry him and have kids and lead
a normal life..like them. Instead, you rebelled and insisted to lead
your life to your best ability, on your terms. You expect them to
accept something they are not familiar with.. Naturally they resent
that.. Naturally you resent them for not understanding you.. "
"I know.." I sigh and look outside. The night was embraced with the
beauty of silence and the sadness of rain. The pitter patter on the
tin-roof remind me of my childhood. Snuggling with my sisters on a
small room and on a thin mattress, listening to the rain and the scent
of wet woods and muddied grass.
"You're not wrong you know," she whispers softly. "And neither do they - your sisters.."
"Then why do I feel this way?" My voice cracks with tightness. "Why do
I feel like I am useless, and I can't make them proud of me..of my
achievement so far.. why.." I stop myself, for tears start to sprang in
my eyes. Angrily I wipe them off.
"Then you still not living according to your own terms. You still sit
under the shadow of their expectations. Until you let go of that and
stop looking for appraisal from them, you will feel this way.."
"But i want them to accept me.. " I say forlornly, like a sad maiden being refused a fun trip to the city.
She stands and walks to me, laying a small hand on my trembling shoulder.
"You must accept yourself first.. thats the path you need to take.. be
the person you want to be, and acceptance will come.. and even if they
don't recognise that, don't hate them.. do you think the clownfish envy
the whale when they can swim faster with more agility? do you think the
wind hates the water when they can move freely and freeze if they want
to at all times?"
I look into her warm, dark eyes.
"Let go of your anger... there things you cannot change... that you
must accept... that you must love without conditions.. let go..
let it go......
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